Setbacks

Yesterday, I had a series of setbacks that rattled my confidence. First of all, I had a terrible night’s sleep, which is the worst possible way to start the day. I continued to feel frustrated throughout the day that I still haven’t been able to fix this problem with hypnosis. Second, I didn’t drink any water all day, which, as you know, is another problem I’ve been working on. Lastly, when I got home from work at 9 p.m., I couldn’t find the pills that I was supposed to take. When I asked for help locating them, I was told to stop blaming other people for losing my stuff, which I wasn’t doing, by the way. I just wanted help finding them. Next I was lectured for being the only person in the family who loses stuff and why haven’t I fixed that yet? Needless to say, by the time my mom located my medicine, I was feeling like a complete failure.

A talk with my sister helped a little. When I asked her if I should use hypnosis to stop me from losing things, she told me that I should improve what I want to improve about myself, not what others want me to improve. She’s right of course. If my heart isn’t in it, the suggestions aren’t going to take. However, the reason why I started this journey at all was because my father kept telling my I was negative and a miserable person to be around. I thought I was improving on that front, but one incident where I got a little anxious about losing something important and I was accused of being a “bitch” again.

This was all very discouraging, and I began to wonder if maybe I’m a kind of broken that can’t be fixed. It’s annoying to me that I have to hypnotise myself to deal with every separate situation I face. For example, I stopped being anxious at work, but I’m still stressing out about losing things. I feel like if I hypnotise myself to fix that, another stressor will pop up, and I will just be playing whack-a-mole with my anxiety for the rest of my life. That is so nowhere near where I want to be.

I don’t know what the solution to this is. I guess I will just keep doing what I’ve been doing and hope that eventually, I will stop coming up with new ways to freak myself out and finding loopholes around my carefully crafted suggestions. Why is my critical faculty such a bully? Grrr.